I try to find clarity in this constantly changing world.
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Layout: vehemency
Icon: reruntherace
sometimes the sadness that is in my heart suffocates
i seek escape, but none can be found.
the longing, the pain, the hurt...
they just increase to the point where the tears overflow
they just tear me up from the inside out.
they rip me apart.
somehow after every time , i heal
but the scars remain
and the next time, the wounds go deeper.
there's no one to blame besides myself
cos i'm the one controlling how i feel and what i do
but sometimes it becomes too much
i start to hate.
[[im the one who will love you more than you'll ever know it, but once you hurt me badly, it's hard to love again.]]
you ask me why
and i realize i can't tell you
the thoughts, the emotions that are roaring inside me.
you opened my eyes
to things i needed to know
but deep inside i know, it will hurt me&you.
so i'm telling you now
what you don't know won't hurt you
let me keep silence as i have done before
let me be the one to fall.
yo!
no school for me today. hehe.
slacker eh?
it's 5 or 6 weeks to prelims...
my guess is it's time to start mugging.
BUT.
when, i do it is another matter.=)
yesterday in school we finished learning the last part of the dance for ms Judy's dumbass performance. sheesh...
it's fun i guess, but darn annoying cos of the people we have to work with?
like, the sec 3 and 4 ppl are fine, but sec 1&2 are SUPER annoying. at least two or three of them were more serious and capable of learning. the others just giggled, talked, and threw their bloody attitude around.
AHNOYING!
then last night i had the weirdest weirdest dream ever!
but it made me strangely happy for today lo.
=P
mood: [[my life will rock, with or without YOU]]
loves, people!!
hello people..
i really wanted to stay back in church today...
i really wanted to go shopping too...
and i really really wanted to pei someone...
BUT.
mum was sick..
so decided to go home just in case she needed me...
reached home at 3? that's dam early for saturday lo.
then in the end i just slept slept slept.
haha...
not much to do...so i'm gonna make my first public materialistic wishlist!
><
`waterproof mascara!!
`black/white/any color skirts
`makeup remover =P
`black eyeshadow
`purple lipstick
`flat dress shoes[heels hurt!]
`correction tape
`pens!
`brown&green bikini ><
`white top
kk..that's all. hehe.
but the bad thing is all are needed ASAP ...except for the shoes and bikini. since i hav no time for the beach and enuf shoes for now. hehe.
time to eat less =P
XOXOXO to all!
''Today you won't let yourself out of your resposibility to be there for someone.''this is my horoscope for today, and though i dont' really believe these things, it really really came true today. =_='''
Some of my darlings are emoing...and i really can't do anything for them besides make sure i'm high enough to keep them laughing.
People ask me why i'm so hyper today...
it's unexplainable. I've really got nothing much to be high about...
i DO have alot to be emo about though.BUT nothing as serious as my frens.
so...
i guess instinct numbed my emotions so that i managed not to cry all day even tho i felt so dam bad for her...
and so angry at another her...
and afraid of losing him...
the tears wouldn't come.
and thank goodness for that...
because i think it'd just have made things worse if i was emo too?
but right here , right now...
the pain is starting to set in...
i'm looking at the path sh'es taking, and i'm wondering if i'll be the next one to follow.
''Having him is almost like not having him. ''
i don't want to go thru that again. not now, not ever.
and being attached to someone who has the tendencies to do that? well........
i'm just praying really hard, loving hard, and holding on extra hard.
which is a new experience for me...cos i usually nvr hold on. i just let go and jump.
but this time i know i can't...
i'll fall too hard, just like her..
but have you ever had someone bring you from feeling like you were on top of the world to wondering if you even mattered anymore?
i won't say too much here...
but i'm numb and i'm tired.
but i can still cry.
i can still bleed.
OKOKOKOK ENUF EMOING>>>>>>
i'm really looking forward to B urself day!!
for the skit thing, the dress code is retro, so i'll wear a retarded qi pao, but it does things for one's figure =D
then for the K and partying session after that, i'm going with the look i love best..hehe. black black black!!! i'm trying soft-core goth... like, black eyeshadow and black lippy, but no piercings![duhh!!] wondering what clothes to wear tho. all my black clothes are too 'sweet' to be goth.anyone knoe where i can find :
1-black net gloves
2-makeup remover
3-black eyeshadow
4-GOTH TOP?
i think i'll keep things simple ba..
mayb two on top, and two at the bottom. plus one belt or chain... and ther cuffs.
liner and shadow are a must. but red or purple lippy ne?
i'm thinking out loud..plse understand. =P
and my duckie..you better NOT back out ok? ur gonna be in black too huh!and dun chicken or duck out of havin eyeliner!
for that stupid Worldly Wiseman who can't even get himself sorted out, i wrote you smthing that i feel are ur emotions now. APPRECIATE. =P lol...
With one touch you broke my defensees
With one kiss, you owned my soul.
Now i'm wanting more of what you let me taste
Baby, why're you going out the door?
Broken down, deep inside
Can't believe the pain i hide
Can't believe i myself be vulnerable to you
I can't cry, my heart is shattering
And it's all caused by your leaving me
My aura is trembling, crying out for you to come back.
It's like your'e running so far away
I can't catch up coz i'm no runner like you
Baby, why'd you have to do this to me
You lifted me up then dragged me thru the dust
Yeah that's right, go ahead,
Leave me on my hands and knees, and walk away.
Did i do something wrong?
Do you hate me, Did i sing the wrong song?
In my heart i know there's no answer to what i'm asking
Coz reason's no match for your fickle heart.
I'm fooled and falling, wretched and breaking
But one day i'll stand up , i'll heal, i'll sing again.
Can you hear tme screaming out your name?
Can you feel my burning tears?
It's my choice and perhaps i screwed up
But deep down inside, baby
I know this is right for you and me.
It's obvious, darling, your feelings have silently faded
I'm no fool to pretend i'm not jaded.
and no matter how it much it hurts
No matter how pale i bleed
I'm gonna let go before you drag me down.
The first and last cut is the deepest
And i'm hating my hand as it presses
the buttons on my phone.
The world seems dark the skies so cold.
I hug my knees and silently stare at that phone.
Just can't believe this is happening again
Can't understand that ive just let you out of my life once more.
My heart is breaking and i hear it's ripping sound
I scream and i hate and i cry
But i know this is what i really want , i really need.
Touch my hand, it feels so dead.
Craving for your familiar warmth.
Everyday seems watered by my tears
hating the sourness of losing you and losing your love.
But one day i know the sun will shine through my pain
Someday i know i'll find the scattered pieces of my heart
When that day comes, darling, it'll be your tears falling instead of mine.
PS: this is writtten for SiaoZhaBo!!!!heads up girl! the sun will come thru ur clouds!
//when you walk away, i count the steps that you take.Do you see how much i need you right now? i've never felt this way before, trapped in the arms of a stranger, my heart will cease to breathe. i want to go back to believing in everything, and knowing nothing at all.//
yo.
just back from SYC.
thanks to shiro who kept my tag board alive =D
friday;
uneventful.
arrived there, had a short program then slept early like the guaiii girls we are.
>.<
Saturday:
the 21st.
the third 21st. = )
and i really really thought....
i was unimportant.
not that i don't think so still.
i just am able to deal with it because my heart is numbed.
i won't kick up a big fuss like cindy..
but your silence makes me wonder...
do you still care as much?
ANYWAYYY.
we played Truth&Dare with all the syas ppl there lah.
Ha.
the distance btwn school and church is so great.
whatever.
this is the reason i say not to expect people to stay in church...
because...
it sucks.
to be really frank here...
i don't know when was the last time i went to church, and felt accepted there.yeah, i m good wit sha, jiasin, several others. but the majority? i'm not interested in going to a place to mix with people who give me weird reactions. =)
PS: i'm not the only one who feels this way.
BACK TO THE TOPICCC:
so we played and played...
till 1 am ++.... before someone came up with a retard rule that everyone must be in the dorms by 10:30...
LIKE HOW MANY PPL FOLLOWED THAT RULE??
so why did u come after us only huh?
nevermind. i don't give a damn.
so we went up to the dorm..and YT got jian-ed by us. heehee....
and my auntii was acting as my shrink...and avenger =D
~loves!
SUNDAY:
There was this appeal right...and i think 6 ppl went up. AUNTI went up!!!! i'm so happy for you girl! SHANICE and JIASIN too=D last but not least...i really should mention jireh who made me proud for the second time in a day. *PUKKKES as if h'se got any relation to me!*but seriously lah....can't wait for all of u to get baptized ya?
auntii, we go NZ to find someone to 'wash' u k? =D
right now.
i'm dying of lethargy...
as well as a choked and overcramped mind.
Forgive me my cynicism
~~Aurora.
//If i can only see
That your love for me is not forever
Then i will always be free
From these chains of love you bind me to.//
Here's my one last kiss
If you can't make up your mind now it's good bye..//
alone.
in the darkness.
the tears started falling.
slipping thru my fingers as i held my face in my hands.
the anger is killing me.
alone.
trembling as i stand.
my fist is lifted silentlly.
crashing bruisingly onto the cold unfeeling wall.
the pain is a relief.
alone.
staring out the window.
the tears overflow again.
running down my bruised hand , stinging the broken flesh.
i wish they would wash my emotions away.
alone.
hugging myself tightly.
i'm glad no one's here with me.
crying and screaming for the walls to see and hear.
i'll recover soon.
sorry...this performance thing is getting to me.
if you have to do it, do it well. Especially if it's for the sake and involvement of many people.
Do you have the skin that is thick enough to hand up somehting resembling shit paper and expect the whole lot of us to work with it?
present it to the whole school?
who wants to do this thing anyway? nobody.
but since we have no choice, we should do the best we can!
i avoid having to take charge, because i know i'll screamt he bloody eardrums out of everyone's heads. but i can't stand by and watch this whole thing go down as a flop, or at best a badly and shamefully done performance.
so for goodness sake, if i step on your toes during this time, please forgive me and understand that i'm frigging stressed with this thing. which kinda means i'm dumb coz i'm not in charge of it even. =_='''
but trust me, as co-director or whatever shit post they stuck me in, i feel the responsibility, and i don't care what i do, i'll make you guys pull it thru cos i know, you can do it!
[[MUSINGS:i want to go back to believing in everything, i'm so untrained for the real world.]]
well...i really don't know how to say how i'm feeling.
Friday was STUPENDOUSLY FUN...
we went to eat at one weird place where the food was like shit but we laughed so much it didn't really matter =P INDIAN CULTURE!!!*gayyee gayyyee ahm going madd ahm going madd!! vad did shee saye??*
Thanks darl for letting me go with the Girls! >< i feel so evil to have left you at school....
OH BEFORE I FORGET.
like there was these four annoyin gals who shall not be named who were clustered near the staircase going down to the canteen. so it was like recess, and we were kinda high lo. so i joked that they were a friggin ROADBLOCK to Ting..
so when she passed within earshot of them, she was like...ROADBLOCK! so loud lah..hehe! love that girl =)
so the bitchiest gal in that 'roadblock' , passd us and said- so long suckers!
like, WTH? sucha lame retort. =_+
oh well, their brains converted to saggy boobs le lah! ><[i'm SO mean]
saturday was nice but boring...
i took the mrt upppp to pasir ris to rubbish with frens..den from there i took bus 88[the new double ddecker] to TPY, then from TPY i took 163. heheh!
and today?
secret.
=D
suffice to say i am feeling super contenteddd !
hehee.
so am i high or am i emo?
i don't know. friends around me affect me with their emoness lo. it sux. so i shall promise you, girl, you cut yourself ONE MORE TIME i'll join u. or maybe i'l just slap you upside down and take away your penknife. =)
easier option is to get PASTOR FOO to gif u a nice nice hug and kiss. i'm sure you'll be really good under that 'promise'!
but on the other hand, i'm emoing partly for myself also. Tooooo many darn things to think about, and no energy or time to think straight. there's been alot of things i'm unhappy about recently, but no mood to write them out here. sigh.
How can you see into my eyes
like open doors?
leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb
Without a soul;
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold,
until you find it there and lead it back home.
Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real.
Bring me to life.
Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead.
All this sight
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark
but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.
Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul
Don't let me die here.
There must be something more.
Bring me to life.
Wake me up inside.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
Bid my blood to run.
Before I come undone.
Save me from the nothing I've become.
Create your own Friend Test here
hihi!!
this test seemed to be staring at me from everywhere lah! so i just decided to make one, so it can stare at me from a more convenient place =))
jireh! happy birthday!! =)) do act your age, lil boy =D
Create your own Friend Test here
someone please hit me with a brick over the head and tell me to STOP EMOINGGGGGG.i can't stop it seems....
oh well. here's what's going on recently, not that there's much....
*for 8th of August i'm in deep shit with the aerobics performance and skit narration.=_+
*i'll most most likely be MIA every saturday for the next eight wks from 3 pm onwards.
*my class is really really really quiet compared to 4-2.WOW.
*there's this really funnnn accounts test coming up.
*i still hate my skin.
*the sun isn't shining.
*friends and lovers don't seem to mix.
*some idiot i despise keeps sending me email. it's a gal.
*i am NOT going for SYC. am not.
*sushiiiiiii tmr!! hope so anyway. =P
yo.
miss me?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jq6Ayr1xiDU
i kinda find this cute!
but it's a super long vid. =_=
forgive muah.
i'm still emo.
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