I try to find clarity in this constantly changing world.
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I feel like i wanna cry.
Stupid.
but i really really do.
I'm kinda worried... and kinda sad at the same time...
Sure technically it's still fine.. but on the physical level...
grrrr i dont even know.
I wish you were here so i could talk to you about it.
Like since forever, I thought you'd be the one causing this to happen...but you weren't.. and i still want you to be the one... so i'm like worried... argh.
It's like a small thing but to me...it's not really that small of a thingg.
What if it's never the same anymore? ='(
Hello dudes and dudettes! What's up pups? I'm bored. How now brown cow? Well, I've been hijacking her accounts. ENTERTAIN ME bitch. :) Opppsy daisy =P I didn't mean that. Rough time during pool time.
Didn't sleep well last night. Cause Baby wanted to sleep with me instead of sleeping on the BED which i had layered with newspapers. He's still sick. =( So after like 15 mins of him staring down at me with sad sad eyes i folded and allowed him to sleep next to me on the floor. zzzzzz. Fell asleep with one arm tucked around him. awwww!!
Woke up at 10 when i was supposed to meet Jassy at 10. hahhaha. Rushed my butt out of the house...first time going to Sengkang swimming complex. it's like a miniature Jurong pool!!! The kids playground in the water... the 8 long long slides... and the superbly lovely deep lap pool.... and a couple small pools for jacuzzi and stuff. Loved it. Managed to not be emo!!!! =) Yay. I refused to go to one part of the pool though...this cute little tunnel...cuz it reminded me of a super memorable place for us.... if i ever went in there, i'd want it to be with HIM.
ANYWAY! =D Got a mild tan!!! So now i'm back to being olive [kinda sorta] skinned instead of yellow. -_-'''
When we first reached the place....i totally wasn't expecting it to be so CLEAN. Happily surprised. Hope they keep it like that even after a few years =D Not too crowded so it was greatttt. The sun was out, but clouds kept floating around.. so it would get blocked for 5 minutes, then shine for 5 minutes..etc.. kinda frustrating but hey at least there was SUN!!! hehe. Couldn't decide which pool to go into cuz it was freeeezing cold! Finally braved the kids pool first... then went on to play on the slides. And that's when.....that's when.... i damaged myself on the slides. T.T First tried the shortest slide.. and that already gave me an adrenaline rush right...cuz i suck at things that go fast and up and down [ie:roller coasters etc..] And given that my mood right now is realllly mellow, i wasn't in a particularly DARING frame of mind. hahahah! Screamed like a freak .... then went on to try the highest slide. Oooooooo it was kinda fun but i only went on it once cuz YES I'LL ADMIT IT IM A BIG BABY. ahahaha. Later went on the middle slide...which was like 4 in a row and colourful, so it looked like a rainbow.. and the first time i went down, i sat up straight.. and my butt HIT this bump [?] on the slide...like u know the joining part.. and it hurt like craazy... but i was like, i wanna try again! So i went up, and this time i lay down thinking it'd help... but apparently i forgot to close my legs....cuz i was freaking out about how fast it was... So when i hit the water it really really hurt. Like curse and swear kinda pain. That was when i decided i'd had enough of the slides and we went to the lap pool!! swam like two laps? hhahhahahaa. then started lazing around like crocodiles while tanning. awesome feeling ! ^^ missed the warm warm feeling of tanning.
I'm not as tan as i'd like to be yet...sooooo... one more time soon!!! ^^ wif either dev or yt.. hahhaa..
Supposed to go for tuition..but in the end he told me not to rush down. Super thoughtful. hahaha. So i can rest at home nowwwwww..... sorting out accounts worksheets... hate having to flip thru them. waste of time. so i shall organize them all now! =D Have to get started on my two assignments sooooon too... due on wed and thurs of next week =( Some kind of holiday.... *grumbles*
Tuition tomorrow... then i'll rush home to spend last few hours with my darling Rafiel....sobs.. gonna miss him so very much. Especially his cute cute face. hahaaha! and the way he INSISTS on sleeping next to my face every night. -_-''' Nevermind!! i need a break from here... so we'll survive being apart for just 4 days. =)
Time to organize and pack!!!!!
Packing list...
One tank..one tshirt.. one jumpsuit...
One jeans shorts..
Underwear -_-'''
Cat pajamas!! X) i wanna freak yanting out at night. mwahahhaa.
Mini shampoo and hair serum..
Travel toothbrush set...
Contact liquid + backup glasses..
Bible+pen+diary [?]
passport+IC...
Wallet...
Hairclip!
Polaroid cam..
Phone+charger..
that's it!!! =D Can't wait baybeh.....
I promised myself i wont think of you when i'm there.
This vid made me smile... lollls.. =)
One more hour for me to NOT wish him happy birthday. grrrrrr. gonna hide my phone from myself. o.O
I wonder if i blogg too much. Hmmm.
Can't help it.. writing is the way i express myself.. well writing and dance.. =P Both i guess.
ANYWAY.
Last night i found my old harddisk!!! spent hours going thru the pictures and conversations and all that kinda crap. Started crying when i read our first conversations... so freaking sweet. Also i found that i kinda owe him a apology cuz the first two times we broke up he actually DID make the first move to talk to me.. and like.. keep in contact. So yea.. he did fight for us! xD *happy*
whadddeverrr... hahah!!! Slept like shit cuz i had painful dreams again. grrr. getting used to it though. :)
Today i woke up... and found baby Rafiel had kindly shitted on my friggin bed. Yep. Fortunately I didn't roll into it. Sickening. Surprisingly i didn't throw up!! =D Cleaned it up.. then walked both babies cuz momma was out to work early. Showered and grabbed this super comfy but drabdrabdrab dress and went to have lunch at Waraku with g'parents and dad! Curry Udon with freakishly lovely eggplant. Ooooohhhh yeahh baby. Wanna go there again with chacha soon!!! ^_* lovesssss. rushed home after lunch ...stopped to transfer $$ to a couple of people for my plane ticket and cat suit! can't wait to try sleepin in the cat suit. Too bad he wont see me in the catsuit. He'd find it so damn funny. hahahaha.
reached home, and zzzzzzz Rafiel crapped in the house again!! Cleaned it up, set up a PAPERED place for him to mess up this time, changed, stretched, and waited for C to show up so we cud go run.
Running was great. Felt kinda bad at slowing him down ... but i guess next time i'll blade so it'll be faster! hahaha. Ran for like 1/2 hour plus walking time.. so total was about an hour? Saw the sunset! Lovely. Wished i could take a pic of it but well i didn't bring my phone. =P OH! and i ran up a 'hill' like really fast and whahahhaa my arms went numb. =P anyway Thanks bro. I wudn't have run if you didn't run with me.
Tuesday swimming with jassy!! Hope it doesn't rain.. i'm super desperate to swim man. like seriously -_-'''
Tmrw i'm workin.... 11 to 1pm.. then 4 to 530pm. Kinda wanna eat dinner out....! hmmm... where where where....
Wednesday is stay at home and dont MOVE day. Need to spend time with my baby Rafiel before i leave him for superrrrrr long [4nights]... poor baby. Gonna miss him!!! Every morning when i wake up the first thing i do is call him up to snuggle next to me...if he isn't already next to me that is. ahahhaa! Then i check my phone. That's the order. Dog, then phone. then water. then pin up my hair and go to the bathroom to wash my face. then breakfast. walk dog. shower. OKAY SO NOW U KNOW MY MORNING ROUTINE. hahahahaha. wth.
OOOOOOH new episode of Burn Notice is out baybayyY~!!!! Time to go~~
Miss Agnes Lim flipping stuff. hahaha. ignore the annoying voices... i sound psycho.
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4/18/2008
10:43:10 PM
じ☆ve鹏Οo
[[*D' awnny*]] `smile-ishy
haha....
i told u i know anything i want to know..
4/18/2008
10:44:23 PM
[[*D' awnny*]] `smile-ishy
じ☆ve鹏Οo
yeah
and you don't know what you don't want to know is it?
4/18/2008
10:45:19 PM
じ☆ve鹏Οo
[[*D' awnny*]] `smile-ishy
噩梦。。。
em.... so smart
Now you're 22... dont get jaded... dont be distrustful. Not everyone in the world is going to betray your trust, and not everyone in the world is going to hurt you. There will be those you can depend on and trust. Just remember that :)
祝您生日快乐。
好好活着。。
爱你 :)
PS: Once you asked me if i still knew what 8.29 was. When i said i did you thanked me for not erasing it from my memory. You know what? I'll never forget. No matter how much i'll want to forget... i promise to always wish you happy birthday on 8.29. =)
Today started off well....hyper mood... don't even know why.
Went to church and reached on time [for a change] then had SS and worship with nothing out of the ordinary. Loved the sermon today... mr Fam is really awesome.. he doesn't worry about stepping on toes.. he just preaches about what you SHUD and SHUDN'T do. Mad love. And he's like, if you hate someone, it means you murder them... -_-''' Like recapping last sermon's theme...
so at the end of the service when i went to shake his hand... omgggg i actually shook pr Foo's hand too. o.O Like o.m.gooodnessssss. That made me even happier cuz... idk if it was the sermon or just my overall frame of mind... recently i've been super forgiving and loving. Well. Compared to my usual self la. HAHAHA. Ask yt, she'll tell you what my usual self is. Anyway it felt kinda good to not be such a bitch for a change. =P
Anyway. After service yt had to go home so I decided to catch up with the church ppl for a change. Okay.. mainly jiawei and jireh. hahaha. and later met up with calvin and lakshi =) met mars too. pretty chill time.
Funny thing for today? I was in the youth room just chillin right.. and i get so bored i start talking about working out with jireh.. and he shows me how many pushups he can do... which makes me wanna start doing pushups.. so i get down on the floor.. and just as i bend over in the woman's pushup position... HE walks in. urgh. sometimes idk if i shud be glad or sad for my awesome peripheral vision. -_-''' hahhaa. Fortunately jw saves my ass by coming and asking me to go out.
i just can't look him in the face. idk why. maybe i'm afraid of what i'll see...or afraid of what i'll show..either way... i tend to call him..text him.. esp when my mental faculties are 'impaired'... but it's just when i see him i want to run away. that's in public. i think if i saw him in private i'll run to him n hold on f$%^&#@ tight. OKAY. like, WHATEVERRRR..lol
ANYWAY~!!!!!!! after a whole lot of chillling which bored the life outta me... 4 of us went to novena to continue less boring chilling... and we ate at kfc!!! Cheese fries!!!!!!! LOVEEEEEEE. Second day i'm eating cheese fries i know. I KNOW. but i didn't eat much else today. lunch was a VEGAN burger with vegetables... and breakfast was 3/4 a bar of chocolate and 3/4 a carton of milk. Not planning to eat dinner. So i guess my intake is still on the acceptable level. Jireh keeps saying my leg fat looks like a boob when i sit down. OMG. talk about freaking me out. =_=''' ahahahaha!
Time to shower and go to bed. Tomorrow is his birthday... and im working. haha. somehow it makes me feel happy just to do something small. I dont even know the point of doing so... but then again, there's no point in a whole lot of things we do. I've learned that not everything has to be for a purpose...for a destination...i can miss you and wanna see you but still not know exactly what i see in the future. [prolly nothing, in this case -_-]
OH! ON A HAPPIER NOTE. i'm actually getting excited about going to Thailand with yt and company this coming thurs!!!! =D Sure, i wish it was with him and she wishes it was with the other him... but i suspect we'll actually have more fun together. hahahah! just kidding. I mean i'm sure it'll be fun both ways but this way it's more crazy fun not romantic fun. Can't wait.. =) First this trip.. then maybe a trip to US next yr.. then finally a trip with my parents whenever they plan one! =D If anyone wants anything that is relatively EASY TO FIND.... msg me and let me know!! =)
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One day i'll be ready to wish him all the best with his love life... and one day i'll be able to move on.. but i doubt that day is going to be any time soon. I can smile and laugh and fake it like hell. I can even flirt and dance if the situation calls for it. but Unlike guys... it can be harder for girls to move on EVEN if we were the ones who got freakishly pissed and broke it off in the first place. hahahahaha. It's like, with people i dont care about, i can hold a grudge for an amazing amount of time. But with people i love/care about... apparently i can't hold a grudge. I just start finding ways and means to excuse/understand/explain their behavior. Sh^t. I dont know... actually its totally logical for him to not want me in his life even as a friend after i acted like such a bitch about the breakup... it is and i know that.. but i guess on some level i keep thinking he'll understand WHY i reacted the way i did, like i finally understood why he did what he did. You know? And maybe if one day he understands.. then we can be friends again.. =) and we'll see how it goes from there... because all i know is that when i see a place that i've never been to before... my first thought is how it's so sad we've never been able to go there together.
Freak it. But i know my emotions are getting more stabilized. I may not like the direction they're stabilizing in, BUT it feels alot better. Everything is out of my hands now. For the ...second time? I'm just gonna sit back and do nothing. It's a huge necessity for me to keep my phone farrrr away from me when i get weak and want to contact him... time to woman up! It's kinda weird...cuz i nvr believed in this...but for this time.. just for this time i'm gonna try... i told God that if we were meant to be together.. it would happen without me doing anything...[which is darn near impossible] and i promised that if we did ever somehow get tgh in the future... i would do my best to make it a r/s that includes God as a third party. I guess maybe that's what i can learn from this screwd up mess....that if a r/s doesn't have a direct connection with God...then that r/s isn't going to work. And by direct connection i actually mean like praying together and reading together. Oh man i can't believe i'm writing this all here. It's totally NOT like me ...but then again i've changed a bit these two months... i dont know if it's for good or just temporary.. either way i think i like the change. =)
OOOOOOKAY. so i started editing pictures... and IDK why the freak i edited these... but i did like 5 or 6 of them. 
Yesterday:
Presentation! It took alot out of me.. idk why... maybe cause i totally couldn't focus but had to somehow force myself to focus? So that took like 90% of my energy for the day. Hahaha. This has to be the first time my school work is seriously affected by ...stuff. =P I can't describe very well how it felt. Kindaaaa like my mind was this very pissed off bulldog trying desperately to run in one direction and my studies was the pitiful owner trying to control that bulldog. hahaha. Oh well. Have locked it away in a deep dark corner of my mind for now!! No crying allowed. ^^
The presentation itself went alright... thank goodnes half the class wasn't there.. so it wasn't as stressful. Lecturer interrupted my portion of the presentation. Friggin woman. But im happy to say i didn't back down OR break eye contact with her. Mwahahahaha. Honestly, i think she needs to get laid. So evil. (T.T) LOL!!!
After class...home...and i fell aslp while chatting on msn!!! whooops. So bad. Sorry JW.
Today?
Supposed to go for badminton with yt, but i woke up late..then after waking up and arranging to meet her directly at the CC....i fell asleep again. HAHAHAHA. And in my sleep i dreamt that i actually got up and went to meet her...and she told me she was hungryyy so we went for breakfast and ordered hotcakes. YUP. but when i woke up, i was still in bed. Conclusion? Dreamteleportation doesn't work!! =P Work a shot anyway.. bwahaahaa. Dragged myself outta bed about 1pm then met D and AC at Cine to watchhh STEP UP 3 in 3D at 3:30pm. and there were 3 of us. Okay slightly freaky. To me anyway. The movie was awesome. Gonna watch it again but not in 3d =D More about it later. After movie went to draw $$ then pay for my book reservation on campus. bloody long journey just to pay. On the way there i picked up KOI from TPY central. Mad love mad love. And while i was walking around waiting for my koi (15 min wait) i saw PCK filming an advertisement! hahahahhaha!! Love love love Phua Chu Kang. he's like national icon of sg. HAHAHAHAHHAHA. jus kiddin. But he is easily the most successful actor (imo) in singaporean shows. oh. Mark lee's characters aren't too bad too. haha.
Home now.. and my good mood is kinda sorta fading. Hope i can get to run tomorrow. By hope, i mean... i HOPE i manage to drag my lazy ass outta the front door. hahahaha. I can be SOOOOOOO unmotivated at times. Nvm. Just gotta remember the dances from step up 3 and use that as inspiration to exercise =P Which reminds me...
STEP UP 3.
Okay. Firstlyyy, let me state that i'm a hugeee fan of dance. ESPECIALLY hiphop/street/freak dancing. The more 'gangster' the more hardcore the better. Somehow i just love watching this genre of dance. Secondly, i love hiphop/r&b/rap music [duh]. So step up 3 is made up of pretty much JUST dance and music. The story line was minimal. I could summarize the damn storyline. And this makes me glad...cuz it means the producers are getting smarter =D The storyline in stepup 1 was a little tooooo sad. Step up 2 was better.. but Step up 3? They cut practically ALL the storyline down to the basics... and there was dance in basically everyyyy scene. And countless parts in the dance scenes made me want to start screaming cuz it was just. that. frickin. awesome. hahahaha.
Then again.. it made me kinda sad cuz i wanna learn dance SO bad but im prettty sure i wouldn't be able to handle the physical requirements of the moves... cuz i HATE pain and ...yeah...i hate pain. hahaha. I'm a very very very girly person when it comes to pain. Unless i'm pissed off or stressed or emo then pain is welcomed. Still! I'm going to start working out again...not that i stopped.. i just started trying yoga instead...but now i wanna try running/swimming/and other more active stuff..... i think? yea. =P maybe one day i'll be able to dance like, a 100th of how they dance. =)
OH MY DOGGY JUST SNEEZED THREE TIMES!!!! hahahahahhaha aomg. he sneezed so hard he literally bounced off the bed. hahahhahhaahahhaha!!!!!! xD
Listening to this song called Wo Men Hen Hao [We are fine] by Raymond lam... and it's making me emo. Thanks -_-''' Whatever. It's time to stop being emo! Cuz there's no point. and and and now i've got something new to obsess over... dance!! =D until i start getting pissed that there's no one to dance with but NVM! Until then. hahahaha~~
Met darlin chacha today for our first filming session. It was epic. =) My new favorite word.
It's like i can hear it... and it's not you after you've just eaten... it's just... not.....
test test..
let's see how this works...
writing juice flowing?
...
...
...
...
..
NO.
ok byebye
i like this song. Eminem is like, da shit. Kinda scary tho...some of his raps.. but... this one is lovely =)
EMO SHIT STARTS HERE
So anyway! I was emo-ing like crazy last night partly cuz i had assignments to do and a presentation to worry about and partly cuz well what else... i missed a certain someone. it's like i start thinking everything is my fault.. that i could have stopped it somehow, that i should have known better, understood better, done more, tried harder... u know? Usually people break up and they get mad at the other person as kind of like a defensive mechanism right? but i can't. I broke up with him cuz i was pissed beyond belief, more angry than i'd ever been in my life [and that's sayin alot cuz my temper's like super bad], but ever since i opened that Box it's like all the memories flooded in and it opened the doors to the dark place i was holding all my anger.. suddenly, all the anger left me. and i was just freakishly tired. Once i got over the tiredness...i started asking myself if i could have been a better gf... and etc.. and i guess that's what bothers me the most.memories ...like all those special moments since i came back.. in China..walking around caves..climbing rocks like kids..eating at roadside stalls..pillow fights.. back home.. moving house tgh.. sitting downstairs and talking cock.. those days he'd pick me up from tuition/school...i remember everytime he hugged me i'd have this super retarded melting of the brain cells...even tho i wudnt' show it on the outside. hahaha. and i think we were happy.. both of us.. until i started being bothered by stuff.. maybe i shud've just talked to him about it.. but... i didn't see what good talking would do when i cudn't trust anything he said. Well now i understand better but nothing he cud've said wud have made me understand then.. so yup. I guess what bothers me is that i wont have another chance to make him happy
Then something hit me while i was drifting around facebook... I keep forgetting, when he's away from me, his smiles are so much more real. and so now my determination is backkkk =D I think it's sad once i stop being the one who makes you smile... yknow? it's like... not right. and sure it makes me feel like F.. but it also makes me wanna move on even more. i just kinda regret not making bigger efforts to make you smile like that...guess i got too wrapped up in work n school n all that bullshit.
EMO SHIT ENDS HERE
undoubtedly i'm gonna forget this again in like, 24 hours... but thats why i'm writing it here! so i can look back and REMEMBER. I need the strength to finish what i started.
So anyway~ Supposed to be studying for a test right now.. but since it's like a surprise test i dont even know if it's going to happen..which makes me really lazy to study for it. =D Then tomorrow there's that crappy presentation. aiyooooooo. HOW HOW HOW??
On another note.. i told momma i was thinking of going to thailand... and she said.. GO LA. DUN GO LATER CANNOT GO LE. -_-''' Wowwww like wtf man. Don't even ask who i'm going with..just shoo me off. hahahhaaha. I must seem really depressed to her. My dad's like oblivious tho. He thinks i just sleep too late so that's why i can't wake up in the morning. Dont know how to explain that i DONT wanna get up cuz i'd much rather just lie there and ... just... lie there. hahaha.
[[Words i only want to hear from you, i have to hear from people i dont want to hear them from.]]
SO! I thought i was gonna dieeee, but i've finished 3 out of 4 questions.. and the 4th one is running around in my head. Thank GOD. Seriously. I thought I was a goner. Still..... it's a bit early to tell if i'll be able to survive this semester. =P
"The purpose of the engagement letter is to document and confirm the arrangements between the auditor and the company. The engagement letter should contain the objectives and scope of the audit, responsibility of management for financial report, form of any reports, an explanation of the extent to which an audit can be relied upon to detect material misstatement, and Auditor’s right of unrestricted access to records, documents, and other information necessary to complete the audit."
see... this is the simple answer. The 'complicated' answer is pffffttttting tiring. Sure my English is strong but honestly it's like some alien language that they use in those accounting books. Not to mention Quantitative Techniques which is half math n half stats. Duuuuuude i suckkkkk at math. An A1 in the O lvls doesn't mean ur good at the subject. it just means you studied hard and got BLESSED. lmao! So yes. My math sucketh. so do i suck at anything that hath to do with numerals and formulas.
which reminds me...
Joke of the day: 28 divided by 2 = 24... why? cuz i divided the 8 and forgot about the 2.
... ... ... ...
yep my dad is a math teacher.
Im gonna kick the butt of that last question, print out the crapoly, then slp!!! Need to be up by 7. Oooooh boy. then tmrw night will be a late night again since i have to prepare/practise my PRESENTATION. [oh horror!!] Bought my blazer btw. Look like such a frickin adult when i put it on. [another gasp of horror] I feel so old already. which isn't surprising since everyone around me is like, 20+++++..... and yet we'll be graduating around the same time. SH*T LA....life is moving too fast for me. T.T especially when i dont have my stabilizer.... grrrrrrrh.
STUDY!
STUDY!
STUDY!
=)
Thinking about whether i should go to thailand with YT.
kinda want to go....just cuz i need a break from thinking about....stuff. yet if i go i'm going to totally miss my baby Rafiel... =(
This semester's work is crazy. Like they have a midsem test on FRIDAY 7PM. and they say it's NON DEFERRABLE. so i guess that means i'm going to lose 25% of my final grade JUST LIKE THAT. which means that i'm screwed.... =) Furthermoreeeee i have 4 subjects of which i know absolutely ZERO....and all the tests are in september... so are the assignments.. i'm like, drowning and i've barely started the semester.
And everynight i'm paralyzed by thoughts that have no right to be in my brain.
it's pure torture. Yes i know i have a perfectly fine material life.. like i'm in a nice home with nice parents and nice things and all the technology i could need and in one of the most perfect asian countries ever... but... emotionally i'm a wreck. During the day it's fine.. but at night it's like someone turned off my brain's circuits so that my thoughts can only go in painful circles...
An extremely tactless person once told me to stop complaining about my life because HIS life is so much worse. Well. I'd honestly rather live in a mud hut and be with someone i love, than to live wherever i'm living now and fight with my own brain everynight. So there. Maybe you're just that much more materialistic than i, whatcha say? =P smh....
ANYWAY! LUNCH today was awesome.... seeing as my last meal was at 2pm monday... woke up and ate a piece of bread... then lunch wif yt at about 130. So i fasted for about 24 hours?? felt SO DAMN GOOD. Gonna try it again soon. mwahahaa. Aft lunch we cabbed down to GC and i got to see the underbelly of a hotel. Whoaaaa no shit. I'd definately wanna stay on the 'normal' side of the hotels in sg ! hahahah!!! From GC we cabbed to SYAS cuz i had tuition. Was late tho. Tuition went well....one on one is always easier!!! Hate when i get overwhelmed cuz there r too many at one time. hahaha. After tuition, KOI barble teah, then random sitting and laughing at TPY interchange. Epic. YT and her 'passport' face!!!! IDK if she was trying to entertain herself or entertain me but damn it sure worked! hahahah~ Super cute. I think barble teah makes us both super high-hyper-hysterical.... =P
Time to attempt my assignment for tomorrow. it's worth approx........8 percent of my final grade. Must passsss~~~~~ =P
Reading backwards into my life... the archives thingy.. just to double check some things.. made me realize... I've grown weaker as the years go by. Either that or it's a part of growing up... but it just feels weaker. Like i'm letting myself get affected easier...thinking too much... etc...
I used to be able to pretend to be happy on this blog, even when my underlying mood was nothing but shitty. Now? it's impossible. What i feel is what's written here. Hmmm. wonder if i could try to go back to that....
Anyway!!! Today started out with a bang. with a bbm message really. Someone i thought was gone from my life actually left me a voice note! and no matter how i can act like i dont give a shit about whether people like me or not...sometimes it DOES matter. So i'm really happy you [im guessing u'll nvr see this but whatever] left me that 13 second message. =) Made me smile like crazy. Thankyou :)
Got out of bed smiling, ate breakfast made by momma momma momma. Headed down to tuition. Unfortunately my brain was like... hungover... so i dont really remember what happened at tuition. Went for lunch then my second tuition at si-mei. Slightly more awake this time.. entertained her by french-ing up the science worksheets. hahaha. kids are so cute. =)
wanted to go shop for my damn blazer but darlin-chacha was busy on a hothothothot date... soooooo i went home, rearranged my closet.. then showered and slept. Woke up at 1030.. feeling like SHIT. it's like my good mood evaporated while i was sleeping.
all i could feel was this freakishly paranoid feeling that i had [once again] screwed up. Took me until now to regain 50% of my original happy mood. -_-'' wahsehhhhhh...
why the sudden paranoia? I DONT KNOW. the problem is no one can tell me, "okay you were wrong here here and here " or " its alright because you did the right thing cuz you were young and stupid and etc etc "... it's like only I know exactly what happened when and how... and only i can tell myself whether i did the right thing. and it's like i keep thinking maybe i f%^&ed up that's why everything else happened... like i lose track of reality and slip into selfdoubt.
and it's like while thinking about it, i had this brainwave... a guy wont go back to a relationship if he never wanted to be in it in the first place. So i guess i shud have known. The first time, you came back to me. The second and third time? I shud have just let it go. Cuz obviously you didn't want to be together. Even though you said you did but you just didn't want to stop me from finding my happiness or smth?? i dont know.
Suddenly feel like a fool. not the first time =P Like you said... get used to it. lol.
OKAY! Time to get to work on my project. Before my projectmates vaporize me. aku mati.
Wanna plan for happier things.... like ... ... ... ... my funeral? =P JOKING LAH.
I checked my blog timeline... and realized that the 19th is a day that SUCKS. He told me on the 19th... we broke up on the 19th, 6 mths later... wth??
And.... I started hating him in May.. and i stopped hating him in August. About three months give or take. =)
sigh. Now i can sleep in peace. I hope. ^^
This here's the song that i can relate to the most right now...ONE DAY i'll translate the lyrics... really meaningful. =)
i love the dance.. and the one sentence that says... "I can understand why you lied, but why is it the tears keep falling?"
And i like this song... cuz its sad... and i think all lovers should listen to this song and LEARN that sometimes they need to just be honest with each other... think how much better the world would be if everyone was honest with the person they loved. yes? =) Very unrealistic i know, but i will do my best to keep doing this.
This one is kinda unrelated.. but i like the two lines.... "rong ren de ren qi shi bu ben, zhi shi ning ke dui zi ji can ren" [people who forgive and accept aren't stupid, they're just willing to be cruel to themselves].. because that's just the description of both of us. We stretched ourselves, our understanding, our acceptance levels to the maximum, just to keep loving each other.
Andddd this song? idk. super traditional chinese music. hahaa~
First, before i launch into a whole lot of deep emo [?] shit.. i've gotta say a huge ass thankyou to Yt, sha, prawnny, and my self-proclaimed granddaughter. Cuz you guys actually made me smile and laugh in a place that makes me wanna bang my head on the wall half the time, on a day thats prolly the shittiest one of the month. And thanks especially to yahnting.. cuz even tho she's going thru a really tough time right now, she managed to talk me thru today and even used her super car driving skills to jolt my mindddd into recapturing this THOUGHT that i almost lost. [more on that later] And even tho I'm pretty damn sure she thinks i'm digging a HOLE to bury myself and like doesn't agree with some stuff i come up with [lol]... she's like patient and longsuffering and amazingly awesome. =) im prettttyyy sure there's no way i could have made it through all the torturous mental work and emotions today without her. From our freakishly intense conversation [which freaked me out like crazy cuz we're almost never that serious!] to our 'orgasmic' car ride... [HAHAHAHA] it wouldn't BE possible, without her. =) And oh of course the added bonus of watching her literally wriggling around because of her BADMINTON pain. Oh man call me sadistic but it's SUPER funny. =D so even tho i love seeing you in paiiiin [this kind of pain only hor] here's a Shoutout to ma girl... love you terribly! I wanna be as amazingly awesome for u tooo~ We had soooo many epic moments today. thanks to you, i laughed as hard as i cried during these 24 hours! lol. You're super super lucky i didn't lose bladder control on your car seat =D
okay enough mushy mushy-ness. =P
There's so many songs to describe what's going thru my head now....
First of all is, If I Were a Boy/Think Like a Man. Why? Because I envy how easy he's moved on. Not just now, but basically every time =) One day, maybe, i will learn.
Second song... Right Hand by Tpain. Cuz i still wish... you had told me when i could have accepted it.
Third? Zhen shi, by zhang hui mei. Basically cuz it says "you can't let go but yet you can't see a future"
Fourth.... i forgot...but maybe i'll remember later. Lols... OH! yea the "Rong ren de ren, qi shi bing bu ben...." i think the title is .. OH YA. ok. Huai Ren by...something or other.. This song is basically like my theme song right now la. Hate it..but yeah. I'll load it up here or smth.
PLEASE DONT READ ANY FURTHER DOWN UNLESS YOU WANT TO END UP WITH A HUGEEEEE HEADACHE AND A NAUSEATED FEELING. because this is a severely selfcentered post. and im not gonna apologize for it because this here is what my day has been. =)
This 21st started out with a bigggg bang of boohoohoo-ing.. not proud of it, but i'm proud of the fact that i managed not to cry for like two weeks [?] by telling myself i was only allowed to cry on the 21st of every month. So round 1 was like an hr? and then round 2. then i slept like a pig from 3 am till 830am when momma woke me up. Got to church by 11....which was awesome cuz i thought i was gonna be late. Church was.... alright. Smelled like someone stepped on dogshit cuz it really stank in the back rows. thank goodness we were sitting near the front. During the first song i almost started round 3 but then cut it short cuz was kindaaaaa paiseh. -.-'''
After lunch at bugis...we had koi...during which i went on and on and on about how I was wondering if maybe, maybe i didn't try hard enough for the relationship to succeed. Maybe i didn't try hard enough to forget, to trust again, to move forward instead of look backward. I feel really bad about abusing her ears like that.. but honestly i had no one else i could tell today. and i HAD to voice my doubts. becuz it scared the shit out of me when i started doubting myself during Round 1...literally shaking while i bhh-ed. So yeah. Just hope one day i can repay the debts i accumulated today =) So yea. I'm not saying I regret making the decision to break up... because from the point of view i had at that point in time, there was nothing else i could do. Of course i could have dragged it out..but that would have just been very awkward and stressful for both of us.
after that we went to her house so i could borrow her slippers... zzzzz heels are so inconvenient but theyre the most comfortable for me....usually. but sincee we were plannin on going to the beach i had to wear flipflops. flippy flippy flippy. sorry my mind is spazzing out. ANYWAY. in the car on the way, we were talking about trust..and hypothetical situations like how if i slept with someone WHILE together with my boyfriend, what would the 'correct' way to go about things be. and that was when SUDDENLY, AMAZINGLY, MINDBLOWINGLY, i had a flash of insight. Then it was gone and i couldn't remember wtf the insight was. Then she jerked on the brakes andddd i remembered. This was soemthing my mom had kinda told me before, but not from the exact same angle, sooooo that was prolly why i didn't get it. and also prolly cuz when i'm angry i'm reallyyyy angry and nothing can really change that till i'm ready to stop being mad. Anyway!!!! Here's what i realized..
You know how when you're young and you screw up? or you do something your mom told you NOT to do? Well my parents' way of raising me was basically this. If you do something wrong, confess ASAP. Even if we punish you, we're still gonna love you, and nothing you do wrong can change that. But if you dont tell us, and we find out on our own, that's gonna warrant a worse punishment for you because you tried to hide it, which means you added the insult of lying to the injury of disobedience. =P Soooooo... that was how i was raised and that's what's been ingrained into me so deeply that even in a relationship i would tell my boyfriend everything. Even if i made out with a guy while we broke up...and we were going to get back together.. i would tell him before we got back together, and somehow i had enough faith in him to believe he would still love me and forgive me and everything would be alright. That's just me. That's what i've grown up believing. That when you love someone you tell them what you did wrong and they'll forgive you and everything will be alright.
That's why i couldn't bring myself to acccept the fact that he hid something from me for a whole year. i felt he shud have just told me and trusted me to accept it.
But what i didn't take into consideration was that he wasn't brought up the same way as i was. Prolly it was more of a if you can get away with it without being caught just shuttup and run kinda upbringing? and apparently ALOT of people would NOT be honest with their partner because they're afraid of losing them?
So to summarize i realized that i shudn't hold him to my standards because he didn't have the same mentality drilled into him since young. and just thru knowing this i felt so much better, and so much worse at the same time. [better cuz i can believe in him again and worse cuz it's kinda too late isn't it!]
All this time i guess i've been trying to understand. I've been trying to understand WHY he didn't tell me. WHY he couldnt just be honest with me. WHY i couldn't tell that he was 'lying'. And it really f%^&ed me up inside because i felt like our whole relationship was a lie. It sucks when you believe in someone like a hundred percent...and then suddenly it seems that they're the one person you shud never have trusted.
Now i can see that i wasnt wrong to trust him. And that just heals SO much of the pain inside. FINALLY I can believe again. i can believe that our 3 yr relationship wasn't a lie. i can believe that he wud not hurt me. i can believe that i didn't make a mistake when i fought for us to be together the second time. yes, fought, because i felt like i was fighting a battle against all the obstacles preventing us from being together. Distance, mentality, people, mistakes. In the end, i won that battle. WE won that battle. So now even though i guess i've lost this war... i'm still able to believe that it was all worth it. =)
ANYWAY. I decided to call him and tell him what i realized...prolly more for my benefit than his cuz basically i think he's more than ready to move on. =P I told him i finally understood .. and even though it was a bit late, i was sorry for not understanding earlier and for expecting too much. and I told him i was sorry for trying to hurt him the way i did. I dont know how much he understood or how much he actually listened to.. but if he knows me AT ALL... he'll know that i don't ever apologize easily... especially when ''loss of face'' is involved. Then again, he should know that he's the only one who's made me 'lose face' ...like a million and one times. Because with him i learned that letting go of one's pride is much better than losing someone you love, someone you would compromise for, die for, live for, and LOSE FACE for. Sooooooooo. It was damnned hard to control the tears when he said he didn't hate me simply cuz it was too 'tiring and troublesome' to hate someone... and.. yea basically to me that means that you just dont care anymore. Then again, what else did i expect? =) you've always been able to move on before i have. That's just what boys do. haha. so yep.... he pretty much told me to fuck off and sleep early. hahahaa kidding. but that was the main sentiment behind it... couched in nicer words. And it kinda impressed me because i felt he was being really mature about the whole conversation. LOL. and i LOL thru my tears cuz i'm still freaking relieved to be able to UNDERSTAND....
and even though after i hung up, i went home, shut the shower door and cried like a retard immediately ... i was grinning like crazy thru the tears. That's how much it meant to me to be able to believe in him again. Sure, we'll prolly never be together again... because both of us are so freakin scarred emotionally... but at least. at least. I can believe he's a good person again. And i feel like all is right with my world again. how pathetic is that? Sure. Maybe to you it's pathetic, but to me, It's good. Because it makes life that much easier to be able to believe in something GOOD. No matter how i've been told people are not to be trusted in general... i'm still going to keep trusting and keep believing because without this mentality, there's NO WAY i'm going to survive till tomorrow. I can't NOT believe in good people. For those months when i cudn't trust him.. i just didn't know what to do or what to think anymore. Everything and everyone seemed to be against me... like venus flytraps waiting to snap shut on me. It was like the most important thing [besides parents] in your life just screwd you over and everything else seemed suspicious after that.
Welllll. That's all. From now on if i cry it's going to be because i miss him, not because i'm sad and confused and f%&^ed up emotionally. And yea i'm not afraid to admit i miss him...because now that i UNDERSTANDDDDDDD... it's definately worth it to miss him. =)
Oh. And i told my mom she'd have to ask him not to work next Sunday because i wanted to go down to the shop and didn't wanna see him. She asked me why this sudden change of heart after saying i wanted to try and be friends with him. I said it wasn't time yet. All white lies...of course..but i dont want my mom to think she has to worry about me.
Of course.. only two or three people would realize the real reason behind this.[MAYBE]
My girl just twittered to me that guys move on FAST. yeah. I never believed it before but somehow this time i think he did move on. prolly thanks to my *ahem* super evil way of expressing my hatred at that point in time to him. but whatever it is... i dont think i'll fight to get him back this time. Firstly, this is the first day i'm able to believe in him again. Secondly, i dont think i have the right to. I mean..this whole relationship is starting to border on the human equivalent of animal abuse. and Thirdly, i've fought for us twice. if there's any 'fighting' to be done, i'm not going to be the one to do it anymore. He promised, if i ever let him go again, he would be the one to fight for us. & momma says if a guy dont fight for you then he doesnt deserve to have you =)
oooo so much fighty here fighty there. I just can't think of a better expression to use. because fights leave people drained and spent and hurt, but there's that satisfaction of victory, innit? so yeah.
I need sleep. Cancelled lunch with the grandparents tmrw because i'll probably be still horrifically antisocial. Group meeting at 4 though. No choice. Kinda worried about my studies. Half the time i feel like giving up on everything and just staying in bed....but so far i've managed to keep up with lectures. This semester's workload is heavy...
I have 3 assignments and mid sem for one class.. a mid sem and weekly assignments for another... two case reports and a case presentation for the third... and weekly assignments and someshit for the last. It's not alot really... but the timing is horrific.
planning to take one semester off after this semester. Ever since he left my life [got kicked out really] i've had the nagging feeling that insanity was just two tiny steps away from me. School just adds to the stress. soooooo. I plan to take a semester off, work fulltime at some fun job, and save enough to take a trip to the States. =)
Step up 3 soon!!!!! pretty pretty please ~ hahaha!
OH MAN!!! i'm so happy with my new blogskin =D hahahahah~
Maybe this 21st will be a good day. Maybe it won't be such a disaster. Maybe i'll keep smiling thru the whole 24 hours?
I wonder if i did the right thing by publicizing this blog. Cuz... i've gotten into trouble before.. =p
WELLLLL. I don't think too many people would actually come here so it's safe. hahaha! Maybe i should install one of those tracking devices or smth.... hmmm...
21st to the 29th of this month...isn't gonna be a really good time for me. Still so many memories to try and delete. Once the anger and hate is gone.. there's just a whole lot of sadness left behind. Honestly? The hate was easier. So much easier. Now i'm just making a fool of myself again. Pfft. human hearts. The most annoying thing ever.
ANYWAY! Played badminton today. As in really played. I took the racquet, and I HIT THE SHUTTLE. hahahaha. My aim and distance improved quite a bit.... =P Maybe i'll keep playing. idk. Seems a slightly gay sport to me... =P I'd rather play basketball. But then again if i want my manicure to stay in place...... ^^ soooo after we got tired me n this other girl invented handicapped badminton! Which was us sitting on the floor and playing badminton without getting up. No, it's NOT possible. but worth a shot anyway =D Been awhile since I felt so young [yes i know it's twisted but its true]... Behaving like a retard and playing games instead of trying to memorize some stupid formula or analyze some dumb company's financial status. Lols. But i do love my major. I do. Just sometimes it gets so OLD. you know wut i mean??
After Badminton we went to kallang for lunch. Pasta. Again. Which was fine...but bad for my friggin 'diet'... seriously i SUCK at dieting! no joke. Played the card version of Monopoly! pretty fun! Wanna buy a deck! wanna buy TWISTER too~!!!! Frickin fun game.
My wishlist is growing! Which is good... cuz there was a period of time when i didn't want anything. and I got kinda worried cuz it's not NORMAL you know? For people to not want anything. But then again at that point in time i had you and i guess that was all i needed? Idk. NOW. my wishlist!!! =D TWISTER. Card Monopoly. C&K Bag or coach depends on which has better models. Heels from C&K!! mmm that's bout it. =P More concerned about gettin my parents CHRISTMAS pressies!!! wheee~~~ Can't wait to see their expressions. hehehe~
I'm tired and my good mood is wearing off. Signin off now~
XOXOXO
This song makes me sad. =( hahahaha.
in between classes now~~ heading to finance 215... not my favorite class. tiring. and tons of hw. bluek...
Laters~
Oh! and on a side note i found out something really disturbing about myself.
See..i always knew i had a super sensitive gag reflex...u know that feeling of gagging u get sometimes when you see something disgusting or you're dizzy or smth? yeah.
Mine is so freakishly sensitive that if i happen to bend over while opening my mouth at the same time, i start throwing up.
WTF?
If i ever get pregnant i better stay on my back for the first three months. lol!
just something random =D
Crazy day. Left the house at 8 am... reached home at 1 am. more than 12 hours... infact... almost 24 hours out. School till 430, rushed home to walk dogs and shower and change, then reached marina by 7... YOG rehearsal at 730 till ten plus... about three hours.. then dinner at Punggol Nasi Lemak... =)
Really tired but it was a fun night! Just had alot of stuff going on in my mind...
Sometimes i think too much for my own good. Over active brain. =P
That's why i watch so much tv. hahahaha. Right now, Im gonna shower for the third time today, take off my contacts and makeup, then settle down to watch tv till i'm too drained to think anymore.
I'm not ready to be out of bed yet i guess. =p
And apparently someone decided to talk to me after sayin i was never ever ever going to hear from him again. Well. I guess that's good? but I'm glad the whole episode happened because it made me stand on my own two feet... without distractions... and i guess i learned that i can do it! =) It's not easy but it's possible ~
Nights~~!
Chattanooga
Taiwan
New Zealand
National day 2010...
I'm happy i've never missed a single NDP parade... ever since i was small. I think. ever since i can remember anyway =D love the parade, love the fireworks [cuz we only are allowed 'official' fireworks here] and love the songs [most of them anyway]...
I may bitch about the weather, the people, and the infuriating management systems,.. but the country as a whole is definately the safest you could ask for. The safest and least corrupted too, thanks to our freakishly awesome PAP. hahaha. Yes i am a pap supporter. The day that PAP is not in power, I shall transfer my citizenship to some other country. For real.
Anyway!! Today we went over to a friend's house with a bunch of other ppl.. watched the ndp on tv then ran downstairs to catch the fireworks. Spectacular. And BOOOO to all those people who are like, ''pssssht my country has cooler fireworks alllll the time''....cuz wutever. hahah!! I LIKE THE FIREWORKS. end of story. mad cool.
Dinner was laksa and mango and durian and HAHAHAHAHA mom n dad's weirdass birthday cake ;) AA was supposed to make a cake, but she didn't have time, so she took a cake that my MOM made like one week ago, and deicded to make frosting for it. then my mom decided to help her make the frosting cus she had no idea it was her bday cake... SOOOOO basically my mom made her own bday cake! hehehe. and she didn't like how it tasted cuz it had been in the fridge for like a week. scary. =D
After dinner played badminton for the first time in more than FIVE years. duuuuude. Kinda fun!! and i tried the squiggly skateboard thing?? you know?? the thing that kids use now a days... hahahah!!! feel like buying one to play ;)
Got a teensy bit emo on the way home. I guess i realized something this week...
"We were perfect as friends, but as lovers we created a bloody battlefield."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BNw-j-8394&feature=related
So i got bored and started looking to update songs on my blog. somehow i happened to find this video... and since i never manage/bother to keep up with celebrity gossip [because i figure half the shit is fake and the other half is either exaggerated or downplayed, depending on what the media wants.] And i guess curiosity got the better of me and i decided to 'research' this whole Rihanna/Chrisbrown incident that happened like, one or two years ago?? I dont even know. The only tihng i heard about it, was a bunch of my friends sayin they were going to boycott CB's songs cuz he was a horrible person. and i was like heck man i like his songs... hahaha. Never bothered to find out wut the story was behind it. It was funny too like how 98.7FM actually removed all his songs from the radio for like a week. ANYWAY. Watching her interview, his interview, his apology, and other various clips on the incident...led me to form an opinion.
Basically?
I've decided to not listen to his songs anymore.
I've never been physically hurt by a guy. so i can't say that i understand what she's talking about, but i can see the emotion behind her words. and i can relate. The part where Diane asked if they had drank any alcohol... and she replied "no. no we weren't drunk. We weren't even drunk." and then she laughed, a short sad laugh. and i recognized that. That feeling of dark humour you get when something is so sad it starts getting funny. The irony. The weird "i just dont understand how this happened but damn i guess it did" feeling. When she said that...that's when i started crying. Because i realized what she was saying was real.
This interview is just so so sad. It's the kind of thing that you don't just dismiss as run-of-the-mill publicity stunts. I don't know, if Rihanna's music is 'good' and un-devilworshippping or wutever they bitch about nowadays, but i really admire her for actually goign thru with the interview. Sharing wut happened in her family ... that was brave. and it was really really brave of her to admit she went back to CB... but i think the most amazing thing was that she didn't cry, at all, during the whole interview. Skeptics may say that she acted out all the emotion in her voice and eyes and simply managed to 'pretend' like she was on the verge of tears.. but if she was really acting, believe me she's be a superstar in the movie makin industry right now. and sometimes a girl just knows when something is real. I'm not a fan of Rihanna...i like her songs, but not every single one of them. Some of her songs i plain diislike. So you can't say i'm biased when i say that to me, she possibly gave the most honest and intense interview i've ever imagined a celebrity could give.
Then you watch CB's interview on larrykinglive... and you see him with huge diamond earrings and a babyblue suit complete with bowtie. and you wonder, is his publicist REALLY giving him such bad advice? or is he just that cocky. When Larryking asked him if he thought he deserved to be doing 'labour' as community service...he actually had the guts to say that he felt that as a celebrity he would be able to do more good influencing the community. I guess that's when i decided not to listen to his music. And my blood pressure also went up like, 30% above resting pressure. haha. It's there. It's in the interview. You just have to listen hard enough and cut thru all his polite phrasing to see it. I believe i can SEE true remorse on a person's face. You can hear it in the words they say. You can see it in their mannerisms, in their demeanor, in their gestures. With chrisbrown? nada. Maybe he's pulling the tough guy act, but if he was really 'in love' with rihanna and wanted to SHOW he was sorry [apparently he did cuz he put up this public apology vid for her but that's a whole other story] then he should have come on national tv, dropped the tough guy act, left himself vulnerable, and SINCERELY APOLOGIZED directly to her. What he said in the interview and the apology clip basically sounded like him doing damage control. His apology clip was scripted for crying out loud. I'm not saying he should be hung. I'm just saying he should have tried a damn sight harder to BE sorry.
How did this affect me? Well for one it made me slightly paranoid/prejudiced. I mean. I've always thought i'd date a black guy if i met one i liked. as in i wouldn't discriminate racially. Even though most asian parents dont exacttlyy like their kids dating other races. it's true. Dont pretend like it isn't. But i've always liked different cultures and stuff and well face it black guys can be sooo hot. ;) ok getting sidetracked. But yea see Rihanna got beat up. her mom was also abused. CB's mom was abused. and i dont' know? is it like a genetic predisposition that comes with higher levels of testosterone? Eeeeeven so...i'm kindaaaa glad to be home. =p
Then again i know asian husbands DO beat up their wives but usually not badly enough to get in the papers or for the government to have a campaign about it [SG's govt always has a million campaigns for every social problem that exists. ahha] and i guess maybe that's because asian men aren't as violent/strong/passionate/crazy???? Lol. No offense i'm just writing down what's been going thru my brain the past hour.
It scares me really. Cuz what if i date someone next time who is violent. Would i be able to be smart enough to get out of that relationship or would i be like making excuses for him and staying till it's too late?
Anyway. It's time for bed. going to be 5 am before i actually fall asleep. See this is why i dont keep up with Hollywood stories. These things make me think. and what if it turns out to be a false rumour? Then all my thinking wouuld be wasted and my brain would be stressed out for nothing. haha. I'm glad that i found out more about this incident though. It was definately not a waste of time. :)